think of me as a challenge

by engineerchick

A few days ago, I went to breakfast with a friend. Someone whose opinion I value a lot.

Over breakfast, this friend (let’s call her M), asked me if I was serious about some plans I’d been talking about a while back, to go to Europe alone and travel around. I said, well yeah, of course I was serious. Why wouldn’t I be? M then informed me that “It’s a foolish idea. I don’t think you should go.”

Wait a second… “foolish?” Really? When I pressed M for her reasoning, she gave me none, mumbled into her waffle, and continued eating breakfast. I tried to explain rationally that I do not have someone to go with (all of my friends, and I do mean all, who I could consider to be good traveling companions, are married or almost married), but I don’t want to sit around waiting to live my life until I too am married (something I’m not waiting around for, period) and have a built-in travel companion. I explained that I bought my house with similar thought behind it – I would have loved to buy a house with someone, but since that wasn’t in the cards, I bought my house alone. M didn’t appear to like that reasoning, but didn’t have anything further to say.

This kind of conversation drives me nuts. I admit, I’ve gotten to be a little more of a feminist than I ever used to think I’d be, but it’s not because of some wacked out liberal ideas about women being better than men (which is really the point of a lot of classical feminist argumentation, imho). It’s simply a practicality of my life. I am not better than men. I’m not saying that. What I AM saying, and what seems to be such a difficult pill for so many of my Christian friends (particularly older friends) to swallow, is that I do not need a man. Period. I’ve proved that to myself just about daily for the last 31 years. And I refuse to believe now that just because it’s the “normal thing to do” (another of M’s statements to me about my single state and my need (her perception) to get married), I should wait around for “normal” to show up at my door with roses and chocolates.

The way I see it right now, and I’ll just be really blunt – there are very few real tangible things a man could do for me that I can’t do for myself. Sex is one of those things – and the first that comes to mind for me. I won’t lie. That would be nice. (Just to be totally transparent here – I am celibate.)  But is it necessary? No. Obviously. Because I’ve lived without it so far.

Other things “men can do” include repairs around the house (I’m a better handyman than most guys I know), bringin’ home the bacon (got that covered too), managing the finances (yup. covered.), spiritual leadership (that’s what pastors are for). These are necessary things. These are things that old-school Christians seem to think women just can’t possibly survive without a man in their lives to take care of for them. And I would just like to call bullsh*t on that.

I don’t need a man.

And I know that’s intimidating to men. Most men. I am opinionated, I am self-motivated, I educate myself about things that interest me and are relevant to my life (from politics to history to engineering geology to home plumbing repairs). I am not afraid to say what I think, and I’m not afraid of someone thinking I’m wrong. I think I’ve always had the seeds of this, but I’ve noticed as I’ve been on my own longer and had to find contentment in a place where a lot of women are sitting around moping because they don’t have a date on Friday night, I’ve changed.

There’s part of me that wonders if I’ve effectively pulled myself off the market, so to speak. I know from experience that one date is usually all I get, if I even get that far. For whatever reason, guys don’t call me back. I don’t know if I open myself up to disrespect, or if it really is that they are intimidated (because dumbing myself down to make some guy feel better about himself just isn’t in my skill set).

I don’t need a man.

But I’d like one. I wonder sometimes (not often, because I know what it feels like, and the dangerous places it can lead to, to allow myself to mope about being single), if there actually is a guy out there who could take me on. Who would WANT to. Who wouldn’t be intimidated, but turned on.

I know I’m not an average girl. I rarely get my hair done. If I put in a tooth whitening tray three times a year, it’s a good year. I have dog hair on my clothes pretty much all the time. I sometimes forget deodorant.  I like talking about controversial things in a loud voice. In public. I swear when I’m angry. I crave mental stimulation, and rarely find it. I can cook and clean. I look damn good in a cocktail dress. And I can change a flat tire in that dress (I have a picture to prove that). I know I’m not conventional. I know I’m a little much sometimes. But I know I’d be worth it if some guy out there has the guts and the self confidence to give it a shot.

In the meantime though? I don’t need a man.

There’s a big, gorgeous world out there full of things to do and people to meet. I’m not sitting here waiting for that guy to show up. He’s gonna have to be on the move too, if he’s ever going to find me.